The worst day of your life?
Well I wouldn’t know what that would be, would I? So I’m going to tell you about mine.
Monday, 14 May 2007.
I’d started work at my computer, the children had gone off to school. My wife came to the door and asked if I could spare a moment. Ominous, because she normally just launches into what she has to say.
I turned and said, “Go ahead”. She came over and handed me a purple notebook, asking me to read the entry marked “May & June”, referring to last year.
Three pages described how she’d been sexually assaulted by a youth that we guessed would be anywhere between 15-18, but we had no way of knowing. The youth couldn’t be identified because my daughter only described him as “he”. The incident seemed to be protracted, and there was insufficient detail to be able to establish exactly what had happened.
What was more harrowing was the description of her feelings a year after the event (she would have been 12 at the time) and the fact that she had started cutting herself to relieve the pain of what had happened to her. We had found evidence of this and had talked to her about it - at the time it seemed to be because she was going along with her emo boyfriend, and we were keeping our eyes open for tell-tale signs, but hadn’t seen any more cuts.
She described how she’d moved on from compasses to scissors, to blades. She wrote how a 12 year old shouldn’t have to go through what shed been through, threatened with rape unless she did what “he” wanted her to do… several times.
There was other stuff which I’m going to leave out, but she concluded that sleep was her only escape.
This is a girl who is very popular with her peers, and has many older friends too, she’s flirty and fun and we’ve always considered she was verging on the “wild child” side. We always joked that she needed keeping on a tight rein ever since she was two or three and would disappear off in shops on a frolick of her own, oblivious to where her parents might be. We were forever calling her back and having to keep a sharp eye on her lest she “got away”.
And now this. My wife had to go to work so I spent the morning checking out web sites for information on how to deal with it. Most of the helplines were closed - obviously people didn’t need help on a Monday morning. But I did find one organisation that answered and we had a long talk. After I’d calmed down having first read the entry in the notebook, you know, going through feelings such as shopping for a baseball bat, calling the police we discussed these and we agreed that the first priority was how my daughter wanted to handle the situation. She obviously needed to talk as she’d mentioned she couldn’t say anything to her best girlfriends, because they’d say how come she’d been so stupid to get into such a situation.
When my wife returned from work at lunchtime we decided she would talk to my daughter on her own first.
So when my daughter returned from school my wife took her to her bedroom, and explained that we had seen her entry in the notebook and asked her what had happened. You can imagine how delicately my wife was treading.
My daughter just smiled her cheeky grin and said that it was only a story cobbled together from incidents her friends had talked about - one of her friends had been abused by her father who ended up in prision and had talked to my daughter about it. Other people we knew in my daughter’s circle of friends had been mentioned in the entry and this made it all the more plausible. She said she was sorry we’d been so upset. Of course, I know this raises the whole question of whether parents should look at what might be considered to be private affairs, but when your daughter is 14 and mixing with friends three years older than her, has a boyfriend of 15 who she’s been going out with for a year we do worry.
All that aside, my wife said she always thought that when incidents of this nature were brought to light in the media that she thought she knew how the parents would be feeling, but it turns out neither of us had any idea of the depths of emotion we would go through. We were both emotionally drained and shattered by the end of the day… but sooooooooo relieved.
Just pray that if you have sons or daughters you never get to experience anything like this.
It’s a long time since I cried like I did last Monday. But at least it had a happy ending. My god, my daughter has a dark side. It obviously stems from her talented creative side. Scary.
on May 20th, 2007 at 12:14 am
That is a horrible rollercoaster to be on isn’t it. I was glad to read it was fiction. You want the best for your kids and if anyone ‘messes’ with them, baseball bats spring readily to mind. Quite scary really.
As to reading her private stuff, I guess it depends on where your daughter left the story book.
on May 20th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Never want to go there again would be the grossest understatement.
The notebook was on the end of a row of books on a shelf in her bedroom. On the one hand I’m not very comfortable with my wife looking at diaries or mobile phone messages, but on the other hand my daughter’s still only 14 and can be very stubborn and have a will in her way.
We’re her legal guardians and I’d rather know if she’s heading for or in trouble of any kind coz as a parent you do have protective feelings, but it’s knowing where to draw the line - no one said parenting was easy did they?
BTW, I wrote a long comment on your blog in response to your post about the extent to which people reveal their personal feelings. It was just after I’d done this post. But when I clicked to publish the connection failed and I lost the lot - and the will to live. :)
The connection/transfer to BT from Virgin Media is a whole issue in itself. Topic for another post maybe.
on May 23rd, 2007 at 9:31 pm
> no one said parenting was easy did they?
LOL. Yeah, but it’s kinda fun too.
I know what you mean about ‘lines’ though. If she’d hidden the book away that would be one thing, but to leave it on a shelf is, as you say, another thing entirely. It’s hard isn’t it. You want to be there for your kids, but if they don’t tell you (”parents never understand!!”) how can you help? Hmmm…
Sorry to read that your comment got swallowed (/dev/null?). I must confess that I tend to CTRL A a long post just in case. Maybe it would make a good blog post here?
on May 23rd, 2007 at 10:22 pm
I’ve even been known to Ctrl A and then Ctrl C my copy too. ;) I’d sooner keep it in the context of your post, but I’d have to rack my brains to recall what I wrote and with two 6am starts over the next two days I think my brains are going to be somewhat scrambled.
Who ever invented mornings wants taking out and shooting…
on May 24th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Ack. Mornings. Ideally, weekday mornings should start around 10ish.
Y’know that’s given me an idea for a post. :-) Ta!!
on May 25th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
You must have gone through Hell and back.Glad that it was made up. Did she ever explain the cuts?
I went throgh a horrible time with two of my kids when they went through puberty but the third sailed through it, probably by latching onto relegion for a number of years.
One of my daughters actually had horrific experiences which I only found out about in the worst of circumstances- when I was trying to slam my authority on her. I don’t want to talk about it as I have never spoken about it to anyone and she is entitled to privacy about it.
All I can say is that you need to know who your kids are spending time with. They are easily influenced by other domineering characters and it is natural for them to be rebelious during their teens. They are probably not the sweet innocent things you knew a couple of years ago.You have to be there for them but you also have to draw the line and point at it and spell out the consequences. They need to know whare they stand. No pun intended.
on May 30th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
“Did she ever explain the cuts?” Yes, after we got over the lame ‘I fell in a bush’ excuse it turned out she was keeping her boyfriend company. We kept a watchful eye, but haven’t seen any further evidence of it.
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter and respect your wish for her privacy.
“They are easily influenced by other domineering characters” Tis true, and we’re keeping a watching brief on one particular person she associates with…