On a Clear Day
So that was Christmas. Was it worth it? Yes, but it's gone now and all that's left is this shitty feeling. Has returning to the office to do something constructive worked? Nope. Read a few blogs, caught up with the Trannie World. Done nothing.
Where's V, no answer. Was supposed to be arranging meeting up with a few T-Friends between Christmas and New Year, but family fun took over, and given my record for making space for family time there's been no choice in the matter. So apologies to all concerned - you know who you are, and hopefully 2007 will be a better year for get-togethers.
Christmas was good. But the last couple of days have been weird. Lots of thinking time about "the" relationship in my life. There are always "rights" and "wrongs" and being on the inside makes it almost impossible to untangle them all and come to any sort of sane conclusion.
But maybe another piece of the relationship jigsaw slotted into place yesterday.
Having lunch, and at some point my eldest made a derogatory remark to me; asked her why she was being so rude. She said no offence meant (one of her favourite phrases is, "no offence, but...") anyway, found my wife's remarks enlightening. "You want to try to get out of that habit, L, while you can, unlike me." I'd never thought of my wife's less than complementary remarks in the same light, but maybe she does. Curious.
And why am I still here, in this relationship? If I said I didn't know I'd be kidding myself...
Emotional security for the girls
Financial security for the family
Financial security for me
Financial security for my business
And as if reading my mind before Christmas, my wife suggested I was hanging on 'til the youngest was 18 after which I'd be off. What she got wrong was the notion that I'd be heading down the TS road. She obviously still feels insecure about where I'm positioned on the Transgender spectrum. Still, she got an honest answer out of me... "It had crossed my mind from time to time."
Problem is, there never seems to be a good time to break up a family. And maybe I never will.
So what do I do? I know, go home, drink a half-bottle of wine, get nagged about the fact when she gets in from work at ten tonight.
Bollocks, everything still feels weird.
Where's V, no answer. Was supposed to be arranging meeting up with a few T-Friends between Christmas and New Year, but family fun took over, and given my record for making space for family time there's been no choice in the matter. So apologies to all concerned - you know who you are, and hopefully 2007 will be a better year for get-togethers.
Christmas was good. But the last couple of days have been weird. Lots of thinking time about "the" relationship in my life. There are always "rights" and "wrongs" and being on the inside makes it almost impossible to untangle them all and come to any sort of sane conclusion.
But maybe another piece of the relationship jigsaw slotted into place yesterday.
Having lunch, and at some point my eldest made a derogatory remark to me; asked her why she was being so rude. She said no offence meant (one of her favourite phrases is, "no offence, but...") anyway, found my wife's remarks enlightening. "You want to try to get out of that habit, L, while you can, unlike me." I'd never thought of my wife's less than complementary remarks in the same light, but maybe she does. Curious.
And why am I still here, in this relationship? If I said I didn't know I'd be kidding myself...
Emotional security for the girls
Financial security for the family
Financial security for me
Financial security for my business
And as if reading my mind before Christmas, my wife suggested I was hanging on 'til the youngest was 18 after which I'd be off. What she got wrong was the notion that I'd be heading down the TS road. She obviously still feels insecure about where I'm positioned on the Transgender spectrum. Still, she got an honest answer out of me... "It had crossed my mind from time to time."
Problem is, there never seems to be a good time to break up a family. And maybe I never will.
So what do I do? I know, go home, drink a half-bottle of wine, get nagged about the fact when she gets in from work at ten tonight.
Bollocks, everything still feels weird.
2 Comments:
Well blow me!
My partner asked if I had time to talk with her and it wasn't the sort of talk I wanted to hear. It's too personal to talk about it here.
I guess Christmas is a time when you spend much more time than usual with your partner and/or family and the end of the year approaching makes you take stock ( other than the Turkey one).
How many of us actually take the time to think about our relationships as opposed to react to events?
I hope you find the time to think on your own and weigh up all the likely outcomes. I know it's not right to stay in a relationship that isn't working but the grass always look greener on the other side.
(That may have something to do with the amount of brussel sprouts thrown out after Christmas )
Take care
Julie
xx
It's the first time I've thought "out loud" on this subject, in my blog. Being honest about the way I feel, even being honest with myself.
And you're right about the grass being greener, apparently. But I'm not looking for another relationship, I feel I could do with a break TBH. Yeah, maybe a temporary break might help take stock.
Mind you, I don't see that as being very fair on the other half. Make your bloody mind up time - something I've never been very good at. :(
At least I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve. Take care and have fun. Hope your partner's chat wasn't bad news.
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