In fact, in December I went out quite a bit and it got a bit of a chore doing all the maintenance neccesary to look one’s best and it only confirmed what I’d already thought: “I’m not a full time gal.”

And totally agree about taking the mask off, going out for me means not having to watch my mannerisms, just being me – that’s what I love about it. I can get by in my male environment and be quite happy about it too, but to continue hiding my female traits for any length of time can actually get me down, fed up, even depressed if it goes on for too long.

And yes, matching internal with external is a great way of putting it.

P.S. Sorry it took so long to reply.

Thanks for sharing that link. I found it fascinating reading. Some of it felt a little too black and white, but maybe that’s just me :)

The idea of a five way matrix – shall we skip on Neo jokes? :) – made a lot of sense. Certainly more than the old X/Y graph idea of male/female as the X axis and intensisity being Y. Also, the idea of transness – for what of a better term – being a physical condition. I read a similar themed book on the concept and, speaking personally, I took a lot of comfort in the theory that I am wired this way.

> “some produce a “Swiss cheese” persona where
> glimpses or whole chunks of their natural female
> thinking showing through”

There’s further exploration of this thought further down the original document. We come back to the idea of a non-trans personality being an entirely social construct…. on made to allow a CD/TG person to ‘fit it’. It’s hard work wearing that mask all day, every day.

I wonder if the relief trans folk talk about when they dress up is that they can take the mask off. They don’t have to watch what they say and do. In a roundabout way, I’ve said this before about attending a social group: you can talk about what you want without fear of reproach.

To add to that, there are some people who put on another mask: your ‘Emily Howard’ types for example, but that’s a *ahem* comedy creation and I don’t know anyone in real life who acts like that.

From a personal angle, I have both male and female personality traits. That’s where I felt the document was fairly black and white. When he started listed what men do vs what women do, I felt a bit lost. Some applied, some didn’t. Of the fun of being somewhere in the middle! :)

> “But the more one expresses one’s true self, the desire for
> more becomes greater. Some individuals continue
> expressing themselves more and more, others panic and
> purge only to start again later.”

A friend once used the term “tranny heroin”: the drive to do more and be more. Not from a competative angle, but the drive within to go that little bit further.

Maybe that drive isn’t the push for greater glory, but – if only for a short time – to make the external match the internal.

I think that last line makes it sounds like when I’m in male mode, I’m not myself, but I don’t think that’s the case. So long as I can express *all* elements of who I am, I’m content.