TV Dreams

Yeah, I know, I’ve been here before, remember? I changed my name to Morgan and then hastily reverted to Rachel. Reason being it felt so strange to have a new name after all these years.

This time, however, it’s been thought through and I have specific reasons for wanting to make the change.

I know some tgirls see themselves as having two separate personnas, and of course having a femme name makes complete sense, but having been there and done that I’ve found that for quite some time I’ve regarded Richard and Rachel as one and the same. There’s no changing my mannerisms or voice to adopt a more girly demeanour. I’m just me, but with a different set of clothes and make-up and a wig.

So, I’ve decided a unisex name is what I want. Hence Alex. The surname, Kingsley, has a history, but I’m skipping over that. Later, depending on circumstances, I may change my name by deed poll, but that won’t happen (if at all) for another 2/3 years minimum. And no, this has nothing to do with thinking I may be TS. If you have to stick a label on me it would be gender queer or TV – even though I don’t agree with the dictionary definition of the term transvestite.

All this is more to do with aligning my male/female traits thus recognising I’m one and the same – Alex, regardless of what I’m wearing.

Now this, dear reader, may seem weird for you if you know me, but trust me, it’s even weirder for me, so please bear with me on this, and thanks for your patience. :)

Alex Kingsley

As much as this may annoy Jo of “Checklist Paranoia” fame (only kidding Jo) I do feel I’ve ticked another box.

In truth, this was never an aim of mine: To tell one’s eldest sister. To get things into perspective, she’s considerably older than me – I have to say this to make myself look younger – just retired in fact, allbeit earlyish retirement [keep digging].

Anyway, deliberately keeping some of the details and background leading up to my revalation from you dear reader, I phoned my sis yesterday and asked if I could come see her immediately. She agreed.

During the 124 mile journey I went over and over in my mind what I was going to say. I developed a very quirky timeline of factors and events, some of which were not connected with my transvestism, but necessary for her to get the whole plot.

I have to admit to not knowing what her reaction would be – she has some quite traditional views, so I wasn’t sure how she’d take to the news. Yet another anti-climax. In that this is the third or fourth time I’ve told someone and yet again the reaction was it’s your life, no worries, and no I didn’t have a clue.

She’s totally supportive, has now told her husband whose fine with it too. In fact, on the subject of telling my two girls, they’ve both agreed I should do so. Not only that, my sister’s husband has suggested what my sister and I consider to be a better plan. And this is knowing that my wife disagrees with telling the girls. As they said, she’s not always right.

I have another sister and brother-in-law in New Zealand, who again, I want to tell face-to-face so it’s been agreed that eldest sister and husband won’t say anything to anyone until I get my opportunity. And no, it’s not an excuse for a holiday, I just feel I must be there when they get to know. No hiding behind Skype!

I’m not intending leaving it too long before I speak to my eldest daughter, so wish me luck!

The films I saw were great, but I’d be lying if I denied the afterparty was a significant reason for wanting to attend the opening night. I like parties, period.

After the showings, we were showed upstairs, but before that announcements were made about the little room arrangements. Where we were going, top floor, it was unisex, but in other parts of the building they were gender specific. I can live with compromise.

What was great though, was another announcement that there were escorts (I was wondering where this was going) in the foyer to accompany anyone to public transport facilities if required. I have to admit that I wasn’t sure about walking through the middle of Brixton, albeit the main thoroughfare, but whilst running to catch the first performance (see previous post) it didn’t bother me. But I had wondered about walking at a more sedate pace back to the car at around 11pm. In the end, when I left the party, I didn’t bother with an escort, but I felt the fact that the offer was there was brilliant.

Back to the party, the bar was heaving, but what with driving I settled for a ginger beer. Up another flight of stairs led to a disco area, although the music didn’t prevent conversation, other parties take note.

Along one of the walls was an exhibition of Debra Kate’s photographic portraits, mainly based around the Berlin Drag Show circuit. One of the Portrait subjects looked like Matt Lucas from Little Britain. I collared Debra and asked her if anyone else had remarked on the likeness, but Debra didn’t know what Matt Lucas looked like – I guess Little Britain’s influence hasn’t reached Germany yet!

I was fortunate enough to get into conversation with Cal McIlroy, the subject of a 9 minute short film describing the length to which she went to fight the gender stereotypes forced upon her from a young age. ‘What I Am’ opens a window on to issues of gender, identity and the lengths people will go to in order to feel happy about themselves.  I really wish I could have been at the festival on Saturday to see this film – but it wasn’t to be.

I was curious to know how she became involved in the making of the film. A group of final year media students wanted to do a short film based on gender identity experiences, and someone with links to the students and Cal made the introduction, it went from there. We got to talking about present day attitudes and how the nineties and noughties had seen some significant changes in attitude, particularly within gender-fluid communities, no doubt aided by the Internet.

Cal took a few piccies of me, as did a photographer who wanted to know if I’d mind – silly girl! Cal declined the offer of me snapping her, though. I thought afterwards a picture of the two of us together would have been nice, never mind.

The weird bit – for me anyway. Very few identifiable trannies. Although there certainly seemed to be more FTM people or maybe just butch lesbians. I don’t profess to know. Also, I felt a little overdressed in a cocktail dress and 4″ peep toe court shoes. But hay-ho… Also, everyone seemed to know each other, although I had a few brief exchanges of smiles, but didn’t really get to talk at any great length to anyone other than Cal.

There were a couple of entertainment slots. A couple of people mimed to a song. I word penis came up quite a lot and there were political/activist overtones, but brief and enteraining nonetheless. This is a side of gender activity (or should that be genderless?) I haven’t had any experience of, but my interest has been piqued.

Don’t know if you’ve heard of “The Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club”, but a lady I vaguely recognise, probably from April Angell’s website, took the mic and made some announcements about some changes, not insignificant either. It’s now going to be called the “Bethnal Green Working Ladies Club” and is going to celebrate all things feminine regardless of originating gender. So basically, if you represent any form of femininity you’re going to be welcome. Sounds brilliant to me. All this is kicking off sometime this month, but unfortunately I can’t remember dates. Sorry! If I find out I’ll do another post to publicise it.

11pm came around all too quickly and I had to go. I was leaving plenty of time to get back to the car park before 11.30pm, which is when it closes. As I said before, I was a little nervous about walking through Brixton at that time of night, but it was fine. It’s strange, but as I was wearing my distance glasses I somehow felt braver. You know the effect of wearing sunglasses as in people can’t see your eyes so you feel more confident. Well, I guess it’s the same sort of feeling. Anyway, instead of keeping my head down I made a conscious decision not to do that, and although I avoided eye contact with anyone I almost felt less conspicuous keeping my head up.

I’d forgotten how busy the streets can be in London at that time of night, it’s not like other areas of Britain, as far as I’m aware, and it felt good to be a part of the nightlife activity. I guess that may sound a bit weird.

As I left the car park the ticket office attendant said, “Good night, sir.” To which he got a cheery, “Goodnight.” That’s what I like, good old fashioned politeness, no sneers or rudeness. Got home about 3am and straight to bed, thus concluding a very satisfactory 21.5 hour day!

In my usual style of cramming quarts into pint pots, as I was going to the Transgender Film Festival opening night I thought I’d go see Vanessa, too. Knew it required a fair amount of planning. So…

• Ordered a new cocktail dress, shoes and shrug on Tuesday
• Booked the tickets
• Arranged to go see Vanessa i.e. invited myself over
• Packed my bags the night before!

Managed to be on the road by 10am and arrived at Vanessa’s about eleven. V had some very promising news from the NHS. They will assess her for breast augmentation and possibly have them done on the NHS. She has to photographed, and it looks like given her height and build the most suitable size will be a 36D – lucky girl!

We nattered, had coffee. Nattered some more, had lunch. Nattered some more and oh, crikes, where has the time gone? Needed to get away by 3.30pm to allow time to get to Brixton by seven. Of course, I was now running late and didn’t get away ’til 4.15pm.

M1 was slow going and time was getting very tight. Still, made it to Brixton by seven, but then ran into difficulties finding the car park. The web info had said no one would be let in to see the films if they arrived later than 7.20pm – beginning to sweat.

Eventually found the car park, Canterbury Crescent. Legged it to Ritzy’s, which faces onto Brixton Road. By legging it I mean running up a crowded Brixton Road in 4″ heels and a figure-hugging cocktail dress. Got to Ritzy’s just after seven-twenty, but no problem getting in. And no sooner had I found my seat than the two organisers, Col Cruise and MissTer Scratch opened the event. You know, all the usual stuff about what hard work it had been to organise, thanks to all their team and assurances that we were in for a treat with what we were about to see.

The first film was a short one about Julie Joyce, a 16 yer old MTF transexual. What I loved about this film was the direct approach, letting Julie speak for herself – telling the story in her own words. It’s a familiar story, but from one so relatively young I found it heart-warming that she’d come to terms with herself so early and had had the support from her school to go ahead and be who she really was.

Had this film been produced by someone from mainstream media for mainstream media I suspect the producer’s agenda would have been fulfilled but not necessarily those of Julie. I have the feeling that this film will be an indication of the style of subsequent films shown over the weekend – I hope so!

The second film had a number of challenges, which could have detracted from its success, but the balance in the presentation saved it from, perhaps, a fate worse than death. Called “The Believers” it’s about the formation and growth of a Transgender Gospel Singing Group. The challenges I felt were:

• To present their religious beliefs to an atheist/agnostic audience in a way that wouldn’t put people off watching the film
• And this is something we see unfolding during the course of the film. To succeed in convincing the general Church Council to agree to the trangendered community being allowed to join the LGB members of the Church
• To show outsiders what it meant to be a transgendered individual – all the pain, family problems and successes in a way that educates and helps outsiders understand transgender issues

Regarding 1. I have to admit to feeling slightly uncomfortable with the religious views, but to be fair no more so than when I spoken to other religious people. In the main they didn’t push this aspect down the viewer’s throat. Audiences interviewed during the course of the film also felt a little uneasy about gospel singing at LGBT rallies, as their religious views weren’t the same. But I guess it goes with the territory for a gospel group.

In respect of 2. Part of the film was about following the progress of the main church’s acceptance of the Gospel Group’s inclusion in their outreach activities. Fortunately, after a meeting of the Council, in which they interviewed individual members of they group it was decided the group could continue. I think it’s worth mentioning that to the credit of the Council virtually everyone agreed to the groups inclusion.

The third challenge, I felt, was very ably met by a series of individuals telling their stories as they related to family, friends and to a much lesser extent, work colleagues. Through these examples both the views of group members and their family, friends and work colleagues showed the audience a balanced view from all sides. Reactions to members varied widely, from total acceptance to, “He’ll/She’ll always be a he/she to me.”

Also, I felt there was an excellent balance between MTF and FTM transexuals in terms of exposure. I suppose I’m as guilty as the next MTF transgenderist for not knowing enough about the issues of FTMs. And this film helped fill in gaps in my own knowledge/experience.

The film also showed the group dynamics, the problems encountered not only regarding transgender issues, but also how the group rubbed along as a whole.

To me, the film pulled off quite a tricky feat in successfully educating the audience on what we all know is a difficult subject. Not only that, they had, in my opinion, an extra challenge in portraying a religious group that wouldn’t alienate non-religious folk – and they are to be warmly contgratulated in doing that so well.

I’ve got to go now, but the next post will be about the afterparty.