Another Year Another Yen

Yeah, crap title.

Really looking forward to 2007. Probably coz of the mood I'm in. Hey, can't be any worse, can it? Hopefully not.

We (the family) are off to Reading tomorrow. Festive family fun at one of the relations, my eldest niece, KG. If the plan works out we'll get down to Reading, have a look round (any suggestions) and make our way to KG's for lunch.

Her and her partner recently bought another house in the area, so who knows what state it'll be in. Been assured we'll have a bed to sleep in, though. :)

Since my Mum died New Year tends to happen anywhere between Lincoln and the south coast, so this year isn't too bad for travelling.

But why does the AA route planner suggest going to Reading via the M25 - er, no thanks guys. Going to be ambitious and head off down to Leicester, Northampton and take the A43 to the M42, skirt Oxford and pick up what looks like a tortuous A road for the final 30 miles. If it takes less than three hours it'll be no worse than the road to hell.

Anyhows - hope you all have a great time and don't end up with the mother of all hangovers. :)

On a Clear Day

On a Clear Day
Originally uploaded by rachelw80.

So that was Christmas. Was it worth it? Yes, but it's gone now and all that's left is this shitty feeling. Has returning to the office to do something constructive worked? Nope. Read a few blogs, caught up with the Trannie World. Done nothing.

Where's V, no answer. Was supposed to be arranging meeting up with a few T-Friends between Christmas and New Year, but family fun took over, and given my record for making space for family time there's been no choice in the matter. So apologies to all concerned - you know who you are, and hopefully 2007 will be a better year for get-togethers.

Christmas was good. But the last couple of days have been weird. Lots of thinking time about "the" relationship in my life. There are always "rights" and "wrongs" and being on the inside makes it almost impossible to untangle them all and come to any sort of sane conclusion.

But maybe another piece of the relationship jigsaw slotted into place yesterday.

Having lunch, and at some point my eldest made a derogatory remark to me; asked her why she was being so rude. She said no offence meant (one of her favourite phrases is, "no offence, but...") anyway, found my wife's remarks enlightening. "You want to try to get out of that habit, L, while you can, unlike me." I'd never thought of my wife's less than complementary remarks in the same light, but maybe she does. Curious.

And why am I still here, in this relationship? If I said I didn't know I'd be kidding myself...

Emotional security for the girls
Financial security for the family
Financial security for me
Financial security for my business

And as if reading my mind before Christmas, my wife suggested I was hanging on 'til the youngest was 18 after which I'd be off. What she got wrong was the notion that I'd be heading down the TS road. She obviously still feels insecure about where I'm positioned on the Transgender spectrum. Still, she got an honest answer out of me... "It had crossed my mind from time to time."

Problem is, there never seems to be a good time to break up a family. And maybe I never will.

So what do I do? I know, go home, drink a half-bottle of wine, get nagged about the fact when she gets in from work at ten tonight.

Bollocks, everything still feels weird.

Last blog before Christmas

Can't see me finding the time to blog again before the weekend so enjoy yourselves and have a great New Year.

Well, that meal I mentioned on Monday wasn't in a country pub, instead we stayed in Newark town centre.

Given I live in the next town, when Vanessa suggested a nearby Chinese restaurant I felt a little nervous. I suppose, because although I was in male mode it could have proved awkward had I bumped into any business associates.

Thing is when you look at the reality of the TG situation very, very few of us can pass 100%, 100% of the time, and Vanessa does get read occasionally. I needn't have worried though, didn't see any familiar faces. Instead, we had a long natter about the wedding, her family, the XK she's got on order (coming in Jan.) and a few other things I won't bore you with.

All in all a very relaxing evening. Nice thing is I don't have to get dressed to enjoy myself with V, and of course how she looks is her natural way of things.

And this is what I find so positive about her. She works as a locum in the legal profession, is meeting new people in a work environment on a weekly basis, and hasn't had to deal with any negative attitudes since she went full-time as Vanessa.

In fact, she's had fewer work-related problems since being Vanessa. And I believe it's her attitude and confidence that makes the difference. I mean, for all the endless debates about the feelings of TSs and the rights and wrongs of their situations, at the end of the day she's someone who just gets on with it.

Attitude does help!

On a happier note

Seeing V tomorrow. She's working close by, and we'll probably go to a country pub for a meal. I won't get the opportunity to go dressed, but no worries.

Although, as usual, when the stress levels are high it would have been nice...

Depending on your view...

Christmas is a good or bad time of year. A perrenial conundrum, for some anyway.

For me, I'm feeling weird about it. Detached. Like I'm here, but not for my family. I'm told what family want for Christmas, I write cheques, I'll be there on the day. But that's about it.

I feel no sense of anticipation, no sense of what's going on, only a sense of whether I'll have time, whether I'll need to work between Christmas and New Year. It was the same last year and the year before... I'm dreading it. The snide comments about whether I'm even interested in what's going on. TBH it hurts.

I don't consider our family to be materialistic, but sometimes I think they forget that if they want a certain level of lifestyle it has to be paid for. Maybe I should just say no, leave the office on time, and say (mentally) "Sod it" to clients. And then say no to the children when they want a better bike, mobile phone or whatever. But they're children and I want them to enjoy Christmas.

Being self-employed, I struggle with saying "no" to clients, so the tendency is to take too much on, and end up constantly under deadline pressures. I don't know what the answer is quite frankly, and at this time of year it gets me down. Instead of enjoying the break I end up feeling I'll be "hung" by clients if I don't go back to work, "Drawn" by family if I do, and "Quartered" regardless, by myself, trying to decide what to do for the best.

If you the reader are employed/unemployed I don't expect you to understand what it feels like, but if you're self-employed I don't want your sympathy, but any practical suggestions wouldn't go amiss.

Anyway, Happy Christmas to everyone. :)

And congratulations to Simon and Jane.

Have I mentioned Ms Raven before?

A promo video for Bat out of Hell 3. I know Clarissa mentioned this before, but couldn't find her post, so I can't link to it, sorry.

A talented songwriter, writing for other well-known groups and only 22. A voice like Jennifer Warnes, and very easy on the eye. She released an album called Here I Am. Just ordered it off Amazon. As for Bat out of Hell 3 - haven't we heard it all before?

Is it an insult or a compliment?

Pharking or shea-ing, wot's the diff?

What I found curious and wasn't quite sure about was the comment in the last paragraph...

“It sounds like some kind of space age transgender plastic surgery.” Torchwood gets a mention too, which may interest some of you.

Wonder if Siobhan has an opinion?